Fair warning, readers: This is a sentimental post. Proceed with caution.
Some time ago, I begin to formulate a piece in my head: an open letter from me to my past, specifically my 4 years in California. It’s grown increasingly clear that my years in California are not anywhere near over and yet the years to come are markedly different. I needed to say goodbye to my past and fully embrace my future. Most of my life, I have marked the new year as the beginning of school. With no academic calendar to guide me, I haven’t made a set of goals, a list of resolutions. Instead, I write this letter, my way of closing the page on one chapter and opening myself up to the next.
Dear my four years in California,
You have changed me.
People say you change in college. I knew it would be true. I just didn’t know it would be this true.
I have spent the past months marveling at everything that has happened to me since I sent in my acceptance to LMU. How did I end up here? And how did I end up so lucky? My life is beautiful, enchanted, blessed. And I am grateful for every single moment.
I remember staring at that acceptance letter and wondering how on earth I could ever leave my family and come to school so far away. But come I did. And in the process met so many wonderful people. I could not name all of them. But here’s a tribute to a few.
Allison, my freshman year roommate and forever friend. I couldn’t have been more nervous to share a room for the first time in my life or more thrilled with who I ended up with. Few people in this world can honestly make me laugh until it hurts; Allison is one of them. I love her in ways I can’t explain. No lunch, no visit, no conversations passes without hysterical laughter. We just get each other. Lucky, lucky life.
Barrett, my best friend in the world, a girl who stood by my side through every up and down, side to side, wonky thing to ever happen to me. I believe we have soulmates that aren’t romantic and Barrett is mine. She is my match creatively and she is the ying to my yang. We’ve been partners for years and I can’t wait to see what else we come up with.
Rachel, a buoy who held me up during hard times. The older I get, the more I want to be surrounded by people who knew me when I was younger. People who know my roots, who know me in a way other people can’t. And certainly I want to be surrounded by people who exude sweetness and charm the way Rachel does. She makes me feel at home.
Other friends, Laura, Jessica, Megan, Catherine, the sweet souls with whom I shared laughter and tears….I’d like to name you all but I can’t. Many of us have parted ways as life takes us to different corners of the world. Some remain here in LA with me. All remain in my heart.
Beth, my kindred spirit. If anyone has inspired me to have confidence in myself, it is you because you have always have had complete faith in me. There are teachers who change everyone’s life, I think. I’ve been fortunate enough to have several, you among them. You are my Mr. Holland. (Mr. Holland’s Opus, anyone? Great movie.) More than that, you have become a friend to me, besides being my mentor and I love you dearly.
The LMU admins and staff who helped me along the way….among them, the fabulous Dean Busse, the talented poet Sarah Maclay who may have restored my faith in the institution of teaching…. And of course that doctor who changed my life forever when I walked in with a head cold. Blessings in disguise.
Though this is about college, I will mention my family: my rock, my anchor, my sounding board, my everything. I would not be standing if it weren’t for them. And I think they’d say the same about me.
And finally, finally, my college boyfriend: a person who very much colored my days of higher learning, and someone from whom I may have learned the most. It is very easy to be bitter when a relationship falls apart. It’s much harder to see what role that person played in your life and to not only feel, but be able to express gratitude for that. It has taken me almost a year but here I am. I have come out on the other side a better person. First love is such a tender thing, so private and intimate. Falling in love has so many rewards and so many sorrows. It was not an easy three years, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. In the end, our paths begin to go separate ways. Ours was a college love, the kind of magical relationship that will forever exist in my mind in direct relation to a campus and a very specific corner of LA. And as for the boy, he was a stepping stone in my life: my stop on the way to better things. He is a part of my college years, my past. I only wish I could as easily put him away in a box with the rest of my college memorabilia. Like all matters of the heart, it is not quite that simple.
There is more to the story of college, of course. 4 years of my life. There is always more. Walks across the beautiful campus, poignant moments in diners and cafes, late nights in the theatre building, the exploration of LA, ourselves, our lives. I would like to share more but I would also like to keep it to myself. My own private memories.
There is one last thing I wish to share: the moment I clearly felt myself going places. Maybe as a writer I should use my own words but here I choose to borrow. Music, sometimes, conveys the sentiment in ways written word never could. So while I sat in a darkened theatre in New York City, watching my favorite childhood movie coming to life onstage, Sierra Boggess sang these words and I knew instantly they were meant for me:
“I’d hoped and wished my life would feel enchanted. Wished and prayed the fates would hear my plea, prayed and wow- my prayers are more than granted…. Just look at me and you will see someone beyond her wildest dreams!”
That was 2 months before my first show opened right off Times Square. And that is still how I feel now….like every moment in my life has catapulted me somewhere beyond my wildest dreams.
But the point is, every person in this story, every piece of this collage, has taken me to where I am now. These people, these things, these places have delivered me to this exact moment in my life. And right now, it’s all kind of beautiful. So here’s to the next phase, to my new life, my new me. Let the adventures begin.
love, love, love.
